I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize