This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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