I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
