my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Randomize
