Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i think my cat just said my name.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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