I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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