At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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