at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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