I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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