I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize