Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
this boner is exhausting
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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