i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
