She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
