I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize