Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
