Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
