My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
