Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
