the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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