i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
