I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
