My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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