Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
