I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
