Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
