Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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