My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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