i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
All I want is dick and wine.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
