You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
