Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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