i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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