He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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