i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
They have beer where we have blood.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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