did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
