At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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