You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
