I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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