3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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