Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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