I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
