We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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