After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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