Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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