Already got asked if we're dating
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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