we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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