I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
