The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I have fence marks all over my body
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
