And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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