I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
