He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
