nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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