I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
