I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
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