I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
A+ Viking dick
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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