1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
