what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
