Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
