my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
