I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
