Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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